From Never to Motherhood: Chapter 2

Welcome to Chapter 2!

Last time, I left you with one sentence: Little did I know, while we were having that conversation, I was already pregnant.

Now let me tell you how I found out.

So I’ve already told you about life before pregnancy. My hubs and I were on the brink of splitting up. Children, or my inability to have them, almost broke us completely. We sat down after a year of trying to get pregnant and realized we both very much wanted a family together. I cried, I prayed to every God and Goddess I could find, short of selling my soul to the devil I tried just about everything. 

I missed a period. This wasn’t always uncommon for me. I have PCOS, endometriosis, uterine fibroids, and let’s be real I’m getting up there in age. Either way I started taking tests. Negative after negative. Hubs would see them in the trash and get excited just to be let down. I started taking the tests in secret. First thing in the morning after he went to work, on my days off. By the time he got home the trash was taken out anyway. 

That Friday morning started like any other. I get up, pack Hub’s lunch, he leaves, I go back to bed for an hour, and back up for the day. I took a test, placed it on the counter, set the timer, and went on getting ready for the morning. It became so routine it was like brushing your teeth or washing your face. The timer went off, I took a deep breath, already with sadness in my heart, and turned it over. To my surprise there was a second pink line. 

I dropped the freaking test! I truly couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Maybe I put my contacts in wrong? Maybe it was a defective test. I ran to the cabinet to get another test. Using the same sample started the timer all over again. This time I didn’t continue getting ready. I sat there for what felt like forever. Shaking like a leaf in the fall. I don’t even remember breathing. The timer went off and I turned it over again. Two lines! I lost it. I cried and shook and cried and shook. I wanted to test again with a new sample. I was out of tests. 

I threw clothes on so fast and sped to the closest Walmart. I bought 3 different types of tests, went home, and took one of each. This time I didn’t turn them over. I watched while I cried and prayed. I watched as the test line turned pink before the control line. I watched as it changed from that stupid loading screen to PREGNANT. I cried with every single test. 

Still shaking I set the tests on the washer and took a picture. I sent it to my mom and my best friend. My mom lives in a different time zone and it was only 7:30 in the morning for me so it was earlier for her. My bestie called within a minute. We screamed and cried together. She asked what Hub’s reaction was to the news. He didn’t know yet. 

Before you come at me for not telling him first, he works in a job that can be dangerous. Giving him any sort of exciting news wouldn’t be smart. Plus I wanted to see his reaction, not just send a “we’re pregnant” text. 

I waited very impatiently for the doctors offices to open. I needed a new OBGYN and what better time to get one than now. I knew where I wanted to deliver and I knew I wanted one of two different offices. As soon as they opened I called. I got an appointment for a month later. 

So my ducks are mostly in a row. Now to figure out how to tell Hubs. 

Hubs knows I like to do crafty things. It is part of how I decompress. Even when he is completely unimpressed about it he still hypes me up. So I had some leftover onesies from when I made my friend a bunch a few years back. I thought it was perfect. So I sat down at the computer and started designing. 

When I went to print my dtf printer (direct to film) was clogged. I spent literal hours getting that sucker cleaned out and running right. I was so mad and frustrated, and clearly hormonal, because I was crying by the end. I am not a crier. I hate to cry. I hate people seeing me cry. So when Hubs called when he was on lunch I had to sound like I wasn’t crying. He could tell I was. I told him I was just feeling off and felt the need to craft to get my head right. He doesn’t question that at all and just says ok and that he loves me. 

Finally I got the onesie made. It was perfect; almost. There was a smudge. At first I cried because it wasn’t perfect. Then I realized it was actually perfect by being imperfect. It was a little messy just like me, just like us, and just like this journey had been to get where we were. That little smudge felt a lot like our journey—messy, frustrating, and somehow exactly right. Then I made some other stuff because I can’t just show him one onesie. 

Right before Hubs got home from work I set up my phone to record. Angled just right to get most of the kitchen. The area where we sit and talk most of the time. When Hubs got home from work he wanted to go get a few drinks with our friends. We would go out maybe once a month? Maybe. I said of course but I’m really excited to show you my crafts. So in his true fashion he hyped me up. He went to the bathroom while I got my crafts and hit record on my phone. You know that area I set up to record at? Yeah, he walked out of view. So I didn’t get my video of that moment. I was so mad. 

He didn’t even really look at the onesie. I rolled my eyes and told him to look again, he is testing my patience at this point. He read it. And there it was. He froze. He looked at me then back to the onesie then back at me. After a few seconds, that felt like a lifetime, he asked if that meant what he thought it meant. Of course I came back with some smart ass comment asking why else would I make a baby onesie with his last name and a date into the future that just so happens to be 9 months away. He laughed, told me not to be mean, asked if I was serious because it wasn’t funny if it was some joke. I smiled and started crying. After everything we'd been through, I finally got to say the words I'd dreamed about. 

He knew it was real, like really real. We stood there holding each other, crying, and thanking the universe for our miracle. We still went out. We still met up with friends. They called us out right away that I was drinking water. The next day Hubs and I had to have a conversation on how we wanted the next few big steps to go and all that fun stuff. 

I thought getting pregnant was tough…shew…I had no idea what I was getting into.